1. |
The Life of Dishes
02:10
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Dinner plate is the best
Greasy pan is the worst
Put the bowls down below
Put the pots in first
I wonder what you all do
When there's no one around
Was there ever a coup
In kitchen town?
Yeah I let you come to my meals
Yeah I'll never know how it feels
Cover you in suds til you're clean
Rubbing you with a sponge cause we're mean
It's the life of dishes
It's the life of dishes
Every year there's a fest
On October the eighth
With the pots and the bowls
And spoons and plates
Where they dance and eat snacks
And drink all our gin
It explains all the cracks
In the porcelain
Yeah I let you come to my meals
Yeah I'll never know how it feels
Cover you in suds til you're clean
Rubbing you with a sponge cause we're mean
It's the life of dishes
It's the life of dishes
Match the granite
T's how I planned it
Bought you from a place on Atlantic
You're ceramic
So dynamic
Did you come from an eating planet
Yeah I let you come to my meals
Yeah I'll never know how it feels
Cover you in suds til you're clean
Rubbing you with a sponge cause we're mean
It's the life of dishes
It's the life of dishes
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2. |
Super Nintendo
03:57
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Remember when we saved the Mario planets
And crumbled walls with lasers shot by Samus
When we were young we could play these games for hours
Now why's it lame to launch Koopas at Bowser?
We all knew that this could happen
But not to us, no not at all
We were told that this could happen
Hours of my life
Tryin to get so good at it
Now there's no surprise
The games feel so automatic
And we said goodbye
As we put it in the attic
And the years went by
And we thought we were fanatics
When we were young these games felt like a soulmate
But now a days it's like they're from the Stone Age
And all at once they seemed to lose their power
Why would flames come from a fucking flower?
We all knew that this could happen
But not to us, no not at all
We were told that this could happen
Hours of my life
Tryin to get so good at it
Now there's no surprise
The games feel so automatic
And we said goodbye
As we put it in the attic
And the years went by
And we thought we were fanatics
And the years went by
And we got so good at it
And the years went by
And we put it in the attic
And the years went by
And we thought we were fanatics
And the years went by
And we got so good at it
And the years went by
And we put it in the attic
And the years went by
And we thought we were fanatics
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3. |
Six out of Ten
04:55
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Here's all the thing that aren't that bad
They're not ideal, but if you had to make do
To clarify bad's like a two
Great's an eight, and that's the scale that we use
Fries without salt
Room temperature
Not ice cream cake
It's hanging out with your least favorite friend
It's when that infomercial finally ends
It's all the typos caught before you hit send
These are the things that get a six out of ten
It's how we value what we've got
The rating system that they've taught us to use
Sixes hold the strangest spot
They're the things for which we've not found a use
Basic cable
Untoasted bread
The way markers smell
Switching butt cheeks
It's hanging out with your least favorite friend
It's when that infomercial finally ends
It's all the typos caught before you hit send
These are the things that get a six out of ten
People who exclusively shop at Target
The acting talents of Jonathan Frakes
Not particularly fast elevators
Purgatory
Stiff toothbrushes
Things that old women buy you
Necco wafers
This song
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4. |
Baby-Sitters Club
03:51
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5. |
The Weasel
04:31
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Since the dawn of time
Man has compared itself
To nearly every animal
Particularly, the weasel
A long, long time ago
Before the dawn of man
There was a stupid animal
So dumb it could not stand
It had two giant bodies
Joined at the spinal shelf
Basically it could not move at all
Without mating with its own self
It's not a bee, it's not a beetle
You can't compare it to the weasel
It wouldn't graze on the savanna
It sure as hell is no piranha
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Through the next thousand years
This animal survived
It fell into a crevice
The things that ate it died
It lived on through the ice age started
After the comet struck
It filled its hole with offspring
So it could be unstuck
It's not a bee, it's not a beetle
You can't compare it to the weasel
It wouldn't graze on the savanna
It sure as hell is no piranha
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Throughout all of the ages
This animal was there
The ocean gave it eyesight
The ice age gave it hair
It bathed itself in lava
It threw itself off cliffs
New testing found its offspring
And it was Tootilage
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
Heyyyyyyyey
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6. |
Max Clean the Office
01:49
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Got this weird old lamp
Yeah I'll put it away
Got this crap from camp
Yeah I'll put it away
Got these castinettes
Yeah I'll put them away
Got these 90s cassettes
Yeah I'll put them away
There's a space downstairs
Yeah I'll put it there
Or mom's place in Belaire
Yeah I'll put it there
Send it somewhere by mail
Yeah I'll put it there
Or have a big yard sale
Yeah I'll put it there
Yeah I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
And make it better
And better
And better
And better
Yeah I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
And make it better
And better
And better
And better
Got these vintage pants
Yeah I'll put it away
Got this cosplay lance
Yeah I'll put it away
Got my bro's play sets
Yeah I'll put them away
Got some former pets
Yeah I'll put them away
There's a space downstairs
Yeah I'll put it there
Or mom's place in Belaire
Yeah I'll put it there
Send it somewhere by mail
Yeah I'll put it there
Or have a big yard sale
Yeah I'll put it there
Yeah I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
And make it better
And better
And better
And better
Yeah I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
I'll do it
And make it better
And better
And better
And better
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7. |
Best Work
03:24
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Sat down with my guitar
I tried to write this song
I grabbed my pen and wrote
And it came out mostly wrong
Tried to make something good
Write lines that would fit
I didn't want to over edit
The results were moderate
It's not my best work
Why'd we release this song?
Our craft needs to mature
People ask me what it means
I say that I'm not sure
We released this song too soon
Creatively we're stuck
Put it on YouTube
Someone tweeted that we suck
It's not my best work
Dissect the art of masterpiece
Succinct yet erudite
We wanted an awesome bridge
One we couldn't write
This song had potential
Heights it could've hit
We wrote produced and released it
Then determined it was s***
[Screaming intensifies]
It's not my best work (results were moderate)
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8. |
Grunt
07:15
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It was a Saturday
It was like 3:45
He was out of toothpaste
He hadn't bought any in a while cause he got a big pack at Costco
But now he needed some so he got in his car
It was blue
The paint was alright
Which he thought was okay
And it started
But as he pulled out
He noticed that the squirrels had gotten into his bird feeder again
He wasn't really cool with that
And he was gettin a little steamed
He rolled down the road
He didn't even hit any potholes
But he still cursed when he hit the stoplight
Every man learns to grunt
Every man learns to cope
Every man learns to hunt
Every man needs to grunt
He stopped at a local pharmacy
He didn't like Walgreens
Thought their fluorescent lights
Were of a poor quality
His neighbor said that didn't make any sense
That didn't make him any happier about it
He saw an older lady also getting out
She had a handicapped tag bur
He kinda thought that was a bullshit policy
When there were only five spots
In the local pharmacy's parking lot
She got in well ahead of him
And he was alright with that
He didn't think, ah, the place was very well organized either
But then he realized that even though
The older lady had
Gotten in well ahead of him
He was still gonna have to wait in line
Just to get
His one roll of toothpaste
Every man learns to grunt
Every man learns to cope
Every man learns to hunt
Every man needs to grunt
It actually didn't take him that long to get out of the pharmacy
So he decided to head down the road
Check out the bar he liked
He knew it was only like four o'clock on a Saturday
But hey, sometimes you gotta live a little
He wasn't really dressed for it
And as he walked over it occurred to him
That he wasn't probably gonna be too happy about
Having to walk three or four blocks back to his car
After he had a couple drinks
Or even really that he'd have to drive home
Kind of bugged him that he hadn't put that much thought into this
But what really got him
Was that as he was walking in
He saw a guy he kinda knew
Gave him kinda a dirty look
So what if he's wearin a tank top
He's just going to get some toothpaste
What's that guy even lookin at
The guy bumped him
Guy fuckin bumped him
Every man learns to grunt
Every man learns to cope
Every man learns to hunt
Every man needs to grunt
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TOOTILAGE New York
Tootilage is what happens when some 90s alt rock-obsessed guys team up with a comedian to make music. Guitarist-vocalist Ace Salisbury, bassist Donovan Dwyer, and wildman Max Rafferty formed Tootilage in 2014 in Brooklyn, NY, and the result was an explosion of sonic nostalgia with an absurdist twist. Stupidly relatable, deceptively profound, and probably hungry, Tootilage is here to rock. ... more
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